I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
