I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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