3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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