I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
