Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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