i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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