phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm like, not good at living.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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