Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
