Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
