those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
no you cant smoke seaweed
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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