I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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