I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize