nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
