Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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