Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
