first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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