giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
