I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
