I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
