I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
