her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
