i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
