OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
