when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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