You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
