I wish life had little blips of pornography
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
