TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When are your genitals available?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
