I accidentally had phone sex last night
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
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I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
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I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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