It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
