yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
