and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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