my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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