Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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