my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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