omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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