Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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