Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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