This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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