My liver just broke up with me...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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