haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
