Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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