I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
