nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
