She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
