Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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