At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
