Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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