Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just gargled with NyQuil
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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