Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
