Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
