Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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