i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize