So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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