At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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