Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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