i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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