life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
