Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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