i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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