Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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