I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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