Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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